Too Much to Ask

This is going to be a little weird. Also, maybe anti-blogging-etiquette, but I'm doing it anyway.
There are SO MANY passionate writings about mommy wars, and breastfeeding/bottlefeeding choices (if you run in the right circles). But, I LOVE this one so much, I'm going to copy and post it here. In my very own, not very eloquent, not very revolutionary blog.

It is by Melissa Beck (nee Howard), who first became a public figure when she graced our televisions on The Real World - New Orleans waaay back in 2000. Since then, she became an active blogger, and now maintains a tumblr page about really, anything that inspires her I guess. She now has two children, so some of her topics have naturally evolved towards motherhood, babies, etc. I came across this article today, and it seemed an appropriate complement to the dramatic commentary that has come about in response the the recent Similac formula commercial. I actually liked the commercial. It made me laugh. It made me cry. I was stirred. I was refocused on what is important to me, and how I can alter my words and actions to reflect what is important to me.

Anyway, Melissa Beck has made a living out of expressing her opinion, and she does it incredibly well with eloquence and humor. One of the characteristics I respect most in people is the ability to arrange their words to be both thought provoking and kind.

For some reason, I can't just post a direct link to the blog post, so that is why I am just going to copy it here, with all of the link backs and credit statements to make it clear that this is NOT MY CONTENT, but they are words that I thought deserved to be spread and pondered.

Here ya go...


Blog by Melissa Beck
Date: August 7, 2014
Title: Yes, It's Too Much To Ask.

Jessica Valenti, a person I should probably Google first to decipher if she's trolling me for click bait with this shit, wonders, "Is it too much to ask that mothers who bottle-feed - by necessity or choice - are given the same kind of adoration as gorgeous, breast-feeding celebrities? We love our kids too, you know."

She continues her hissy fit with, "I mean, Gwen Stefani posted a picture on Instagram of herself breastfeeding in gorgeous Switzerland,; then came the photograph of Olivia Wilde in Glamour magazine breastfeeding in full-on evening wear. " 

How dare they be fabulous while breastfeeding! The nerve!

Well, pick me. Pick me. I have the answer to your question. 

Yes, it's too much too ask lady. Especially when in the next breath you say, "the harassment mothers still face when they breastfeed in public is outrageous." Asking that is akin to whining, "Why do black people have Black History Month? That's not really fair to white people now is it?"

I really wasn't aware of a full-on campaign to exclude bottle-feeding mothers from a constant barrage of celebration. I mean, one of the universal symbols for BABY is a fucking bottle. Let's browse through all the millions of photos, countless cover stories, of celebrities bottle-feeding their children, shall we?

So basically, when you see a breastfeeding mother being celebrated on that rare (#veryrare) occasion, it makes you have feelings about your choice and so the solution, you're asking the world for, is for us to please, please stop celebrating them altogether. Even though you're fully aware of the countless examples of women being told to cover up or leave an establishment because they dared to feed their children with their tits. Nine hundred thousand results in half a second on Google, if you're wondering how normal it is for a breastfeeding woman to encounter some asshole. You acknowledge this is a problem but please no more photos of breastfeeding mothers because rude!

When you say, "as long as they are making the choices that are right for them and their children, I'm all for it." Are you though? You can't have it both ways. You can't complain that breastfeeding mothers are given one glossy page of coverage and then put your lips together and say you're all for anything as long as we don't judge. You're not "all for" anything. You're all for only seeing images that reinforce your choices because somehow, some way, the mere sight of a mother making a choice different than yours without having said boo to you or about you, makes you uncomfortable. Uncomfortable enough to regale us with several paragraphs of all the reasons why couldn't or didn't breastfeed. "The baby was 2 pounds." "The stress!" "The failed milk production." "That darn pump." Nobody asked that shit. Nobody cares that you bottle-fed. And really, a stranger on the street approached you and said "YOU TERRIBLE BOTTLE-FEEDER YOU." 

Okay Jessica. Sure thing.

Now, if there were condescending, judgmental words actually attached to these breastfeeding photos, you might have a peg of a leg to stand on. Hector Barbossa. But you're mad at a celebrity photo. You're mad at the message the photo might send. Ignoring the 75% chance that the photo may also, quite possibly, stupid likely, generate disgust. You're mad at the message you received from the photo and thus the photo can be no more. That's not cool.

In fact, I had a feeling like the one you're having. When Josie Maran gave birth under a lavender tree as a wolf howled at the night sky, I felt like an absolute piece of shit for wanting drugs before I pushed my baby out of my vagina as the "impatient doctors" poked and prodded me with all those "beeping monitors" But see, Josie actually said out loud that my choice was trash. She said the "intensity" of natural childbirth "prepares you to be a great mom," as if to say delivery with medical intervention is a shortcut and therefore you have already failed as a mother. I would have been cool with all the photos of her gallivanting through wildflowers in flowy white gown. She's pretty. I liked her Argan Oil. I was cool with her. I can dig that. But she said out loud that I, along with every other dreaded hospital birther, was the worst. That was the problem. 

The way Josie told he story made me pause and rethink how I talk about breastfeeding. I assure you, I never set out to make folks feel bad about their choices. But breastfeeding support is important. So yes, we need the pictures to go with the words of encouragement. Sorry about it, boo.

I don't recall Gwen (you can Google a photo of her also bottle feeding) or Olivia telling you you were a piece of shit though. A photo of a breastfeeding mother shouldn't send you into a tailspin of woe. Stop judging yourself maybe? Maybe start there before you put the kibosh on photos I'd like to see, that the world needs to see, so that one day I don't have to shoot daggers across the room at people who are actually judging me for feeding my child with my breasts. 

How about that?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Amen Melissa!!
~Amanda Hynes, CD(DONA), LCCE

All That Matters

There is one phrase in the birthing world that really frosts my cookies.

Who am I kidding? There are many. But, A#1 at the top of the list, is:

“All that matters is that baby and mother are healthy.”

“Why is that?” you may ask.

“What kind of childbirth educator would find this objectionable?” this you may ask.

When I first observed my discontent with this phrase, I asked myself the same questions.

What kind of childbirth educator…what kind of person...WOULD have a problem with this?

First, it seems odd to me that a family should feel the need to pronounce “healthy mom and healthy baby” as the goal of their birth experience. If it is not implied and obvious to their birth team and everyone else, then there is a real problem. It is implied and obvious outside of the birthing realm. We generally all want our families and ourselves healthy and safe, but you don’t hear people repeating this mantra in everyday life. Why is that? Because it is a fundamental principle fueling our actions that typically does not require explanation. When discussing a family’s birth goals, I ask them to leave out “healthy mom and baby” because to me, that is an empirical assumption.

There is something about the absolute nature of the statement that doesn’t sit right with me.

Is it really true? Is healthy mom and healthy baby ALL that matters?

Too many times, I have left the statement alone as the end of the conversation. Too many times, I simply had no response. But to me, these benign words do so much to marginalize the childbirth experience. This notion puts the spotlight on the end result and skips past the journey. Honestly, many times I hear it from a male partner. Husbands have the primitive impulse to protect their women and families (which is lovely!), and it’s probably not a stretch to say they would generally appreciate fast-forwarding to the happy ending when mother and baby are together.  Through no fault of their own, men are naturally unaware of the true intensity of the physical and emotional ups and downs involved in birthing a child into the world.

The entire path of pregnancy and birth is extremely important. It can be a great source of power for women in motherhood and throughout their lives. Being aware of your own strength from this accomplishment is a wonderful gift to give oneself. Women with high levels of birth satisfaction are better armed for the challenges of parenthood. They have a source of well-earned, life-long pride that can never be taken away.

The birth partner can also greatly benefit from an empowered birth experience. Although not doing the actual birthing, they get a rare chance to observe their chosen mate facing one of the greatest challenges of our world, for the love and benefit of their children and entire family. In my humble opinion, this cannot help but strengthen the bonds of love.

When one skips over this indelible experience to the end result, “healthy mom and healthy baby” is really the bare minimum expectation. It seems close to saying, “We just want to get out of this thing alive” and really, shouldn't we be aiming a little higher than that?

There is something about the timing of the statement

It doesn't come from an unmediated mother who just pushed out her baby and is bathing in surges of endorphins. It doesn't come from a laboring mother sitting in a warm tub in the arms of her husband. It comes from women whose birth is not unfolding as envisioned. It comes at the end of empowerment, when decision making capabilities (along with minds and bodies) have been exhausted. When we are just too tired to think anymore and ready to turn over the decision making to the care provider and their priorities. Too many times, the statement is an effort to convince ourselves that the choice we are about to make really is for the best.

I’ve never heard it from a birthing mother who was confident of her decisions. An educated family aware of the evidence supporting their decisions and the various risks, benefits and alternatives to those decisions, understands that their path is leading to “healthy mom and healthy baby”. They do not need to convince or remind themselves why. They already know.

What does it mean?

Of course we want a healthy baby and mom. But that is not achieved at any one moment in time. Each decision made from the moment the pregnancy test says positive, each choice, each bend in the journey towards birth, will DEFINE what “healthy baby and healthy mom” means to you and your family.

When a family makes the choice to travel down the road of induction or cesarean surgery, they are choosing to believe that their baby is at greater risk remaining inside the womb, than being brought to the outside. Will you allow yourself a glass of wine during pregnancy? Will you choose a care provider who performs episiotomies at will without consulting with mom and dad? Will you choose to birth in a hospital, where you are virtually guaranteed to be separated from you baby at some point, for some duration within his first 24 hours of life?

Each tiny, seemingly insignificant choice is your creation of your “healthy mom and healthy baby”.  It is not one fixed goal. It is a moving target that gets bigger and louder and harder to focus on as your infant becomes a rambunctious, bouncing girl, or an inquisitive, imaginative boy. Your ever-evolving definition of “healthy” does not stop the moment the cord is cut and you become two individuals. It is a lifelong quest.

Finally, if by “healthy mom and baby” one simply means seeking the same degree of mental, physical and emotional functioning that you had when you began, I can assure you, THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE. Absolutely, unequivocally, impossible.

This journey will change you.

This journey MATTERS.

Of all of the unknowns about birth, this I can guarantee.

~Amanda Hynes, CD(DONA), LCCE

Health Care

Midwifery is the answer to the question, “how can we afford national health care?” If every motherbaby were attended by a non-interventive but knowledgeable midwife, a national health care program would save billions of dollars on the four million births that occur in the US each year.

Please support the Mothers and Midwives in Action (MAMA) Campaigns effort to make Certified Professional Midwives a part of the health care system.


Increased access to Certified Professional Midwives can address the goals of health care reform:

• Ensure quality care for every American – CPMs provide evidence-based, prevention-oriented and health-promoting care, with more babies that are healthy, full weight and full term, and much lower rates of cesarean section and medical interventions.


• Reduce costs – The reduction in interventions, unnecessary cesarean sections, and the associated increased health status of mothers and babies under the care of CPMs would lead to a cost savings to the US health care system.

• Guarantee choice – If CPMs are included in Medicaid reimbursement or a federal insurance program, CPMs and out-of- hospital birth would be available to all women, not just those who can afford to pay out-of-pocket.

TWO

Number of loved ones suffering infections by hospitals and hospital procedures in the past two weeks...TWO.

THANKS HOSPITALS!!!