There is one phrase
in the birthing world that really frosts my cookies.
Who am I kidding?
There are many. But, A#1 at the top of the list, is:
“All that matters is that baby and mother are
healthy.”
“Why is that?” you
may ask.
“What kind of
childbirth educator would find this objectionable?” this you may ask.
When I first
observed my discontent with this phrase, I asked myself the same questions.
What kind of childbirth
educator…what kind of person...WOULD have a problem with this?
First, it seems odd
to me that a family should feel the need to pronounce “healthy mom and healthy
baby” as the goal of their birth experience. If it is not implied and obvious
to their birth team and everyone else, then there is a real problem. It is
implied and obvious outside of the
birthing realm. We generally all want our families and ourselves healthy and
safe, but you don’t hear people repeating this mantra in everyday life. Why is
that? Because it is a fundamental principle fueling our actions that typically
does not require explanation. When discussing a family’s birth goals, I ask
them to leave out “healthy mom and baby” because to me, that is an empirical
assumption.
There is something about the absolute nature of the
statement that doesn’t sit right with me.
Is it really true?
Is healthy mom and healthy baby ALL that matters?
Too many times, I
have left the statement alone as the end of the conversation. Too many times, I
simply had no response. But to me, these benign words do so much to marginalize
the childbirth experience. This notion puts the spotlight on the end result and
skips past the journey. Honestly, many times I hear it from a male partner.
Husbands have the primitive impulse to protect their women and families (which
is lovely!), and it’s probably not a stretch to say they would generally
appreciate fast-forwarding to the happy ending when mother and baby are
together. Through no fault of their own,
men are naturally unaware of the true intensity of the physical and emotional
ups and downs involved in birthing a child into the world.
The entire path of
pregnancy and birth is extremely important. It can be a great source of power
for women in motherhood and throughout their lives. Being aware of your own
strength from this accomplishment is a wonderful gift to give oneself. Women
with high levels of birth satisfaction are better armed for the challenges of
parenthood. They have a source of well-earned, life-long pride that can never
be taken away.
The birth partner
can also greatly benefit from an empowered birth experience. Although not doing
the actual birthing, they get a rare chance to observe their chosen mate facing
one of the greatest challenges of our world, for the love and benefit of their children
and entire family. In my humble opinion, this cannot help but strengthen the
bonds of love.
When one skips over
this indelible experience to the end result, “healthy mom and healthy baby” is
really the bare minimum expectation. It seems close to saying, “We just want to
get out of this thing alive” and really, shouldn't we be aiming a little higher
than that?
There is something about the timing of the statement
It doesn't come
from an unmediated mother who just pushed out her baby and is bathing in
surges of endorphins. It doesn't come from a laboring mother sitting in a warm
tub in the arms of her husband. It comes from women whose birth is not
unfolding as envisioned. It comes at the end of empowerment, when decision
making capabilities (along with minds and bodies) have been exhausted. When we
are just too tired to think anymore and ready to turn over the decision making
to the care provider and their priorities. Too many times, the statement is an
effort to convince ourselves that the choice we are about to make really is for
the best.
I’ve never heard it
from a birthing mother who was confident of her decisions. An educated family
aware of the evidence supporting their decisions and the various risks,
benefits and alternatives to those decisions, understands that their path is
leading to “healthy mom and healthy baby”. They do not need to convince or
remind themselves why. They already know.
What does it mean?
Of course we want a
healthy baby and mom. But that is not achieved at any one moment in time. Each
decision made from the moment the pregnancy test says positive, each choice,
each bend in the journey towards birth, will DEFINE what “healthy baby and
healthy mom” means to you and your family.
When a family makes
the choice to travel down the road of induction or cesarean surgery, they are
choosing to believe that their baby is at greater risk remaining inside the
womb, than being brought to the outside. Will you allow yourself a glass of
wine during pregnancy? Will you choose a care provider who performs
episiotomies at will without consulting with mom and dad? Will you choose to
birth in a hospital, where you are virtually guaranteed to be separated from
you baby at some point, for some duration within his first 24 hours of life?
Each tiny,
seemingly insignificant choice is your creation of your “healthy mom and
healthy baby”. It is not one fixed goal.
It is a moving target that gets bigger and louder and harder to focus on as
your infant becomes a rambunctious, bouncing girl, or an inquisitive,
imaginative boy. Your ever-evolving definition of “healthy” does not stop the
moment the cord is cut and you become two individuals. It is a lifelong quest.
Finally, if by
“healthy mom and baby” one simply means seeking the same degree of mental,
physical and emotional functioning that you had when you began, I can assure
you, THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE. Absolutely, unequivocally, impossible.
This journey will
change you.
Of all of the
unknowns about birth, this I can guarantee.
~Amanda Hynes, CD(DONA), LCCE
